deyaspano

Numb Easy?

June 8, 2021June 9, 2021 deyaspano

After lunch one day, I got the hankering for something sweet, which is totally normal for me…I found a box of See’s candy hidden in the pantry I bought for Christmas and never opened. I guess I hid it so good even I couldn’t find it. My favorite chocolates of theirs are the nuts and chews, so I picked one of those carmel ones with the cluster of walnuts that sits of a bed of dark chocolate. As I started chewing it I could feel it was abnormally sticky…like chewing on a tough piece of beef jerky that’d been left out on the counter overnight. On the second bite I felt a strange sensation and instantly knew something was wrong. The crown on my back tooth had seamlessly popped off.

What’s ironic is just a couple months ago I had the same issue with this tooth so I knew it was time to bite the bullet and get it fixed. I don’t know what you’re like when it comes to dental procedures but I am not a fan of field trips to the dentist’s office. I get very anxious, even though I don’t consider myself a typically anxious person. I’m a pretty even keel gal and it takes a lot to rattle me…EXCEPT, when I go to the dentist! All of a sudden I’m a 7 year old little girl in pigtails who needs her blanket.

I quickly grabbed my phone, called the dentist’s office and thankfully, got an appointment within a couple days and was able to go in and get the crown replaced. I politely ask the receptionist on the phone if they could give me a little “something” to help me relax before the procedure. When I arrived later that week, as I was sitting in the chair, I made sure to let the hygienist know I ALSO wanted the nitrous oxide (or “laughing gas,” though really this was no laughing matter). Hopefully, this would help me relax even more so I would not have to feel anything, (or as little as possible at least).

As I was sitting there feeling pretty woozy and relaxed, she came back to check on me to see if I had numbed up yet. What felt like seconds later she said I was ready. The dentist came in, sat down, and confirmed I was good to go. What he said next is what caught me off guard…he said, “Wow, you numb fast.”

In general that may not seem like a significant statement, but for me it hit me like a ton of bricks. As he started to poke around, I could slowly feel a small tear slide it’s way down the side of my cheek because to me it meant a whole lot more.

The reason his words hit me so deep was because it made me realize the pain life has brought me at times has been so unbearable. When the drill grinds and reshapes me it can be too much to face in the moment and I want nothing more than to numb the pain so I don’t feel the experience anymore. I don’t want to feel the work being done in me. I feel flooded with emotions and don’t know where or how to begin processing them. It’s easier to check out than it is to deal with these feelings head on.

Maybe you’re like me too. The pain of your situation may feel so unbearable and overwhelming you tend to feel flooded with so many emotions you shut down. You may try to ease the pain with different things so you don’t have to feel the hurt, in hopes it will all go away. For you it may be a substance, a relationship, food, shopping, gambling, work, or staying so busy you don’t have time to deal with the pain from wounds too deep to reconcile. I get it. No matter the vice – a bandaid is still a bandaid and not meant to be a permanent solution.

Marc Brackett, Ph.D in his exemplary work in “Permission to Feel” says this,

…feelings are inconvenient. So we do our best to ignore them. The irony, though is that when we ignore our feelings, or suppress them, they only become stronger. The really powerful emotions build up inside us, like a dark force that inevitably poisons everything we do, whether we like it or not. Hurt feelings don’t vanish on their own. They don’t heal themselves. If we don’t express our emotions, they pile up like a debt that will eventually come due.”

Unfortunately, no matter how much we try to numb ourselves, the anesthetic of choice is only temporary. The numbness will eventually wear off and the pain needs another suture. Until we stop pretending it doesn’t hurt, undress the wound, and deal with the root issue, we will continue to bear the symptoms of a broken heart that can only be healed by Jesus.

Numbing may feel like a great alternative, or quick fix, but it stiffles wholeness, true healing and freedom. The problem with numbing is we can’t numb the bad parts without also numbing the good parts of ourselves. When we numb our painful emotions we also numb the good ones. If you struggle to feel joy or pleasure you may want to consider if numbing has been part of the armor you wear that helps you manage uncertainty in your life.

God want’s more for you than just to experience temporary numbing for your pain. He wants to heal your pain completely. He wants to take it away – for good. In fact, He went so far as to die on the cross to take away your pain, so you could trade your sorrows for His joy. He wants to give you life more abundantly and hope for the future.

You don’t have to suffer through life numbing your way through trauma, pain, anxiety or crisis. White knuckling through life can stop today by letting Him be your great Physician. In fact, one of the names of God is Jehovah Rapha, meaning “God our healer,” or “the God who heals.” The Hebrew word “Rapha” not only means to heal but to restore or mend, cure or make whole.

Jehovah Rapha offers so much more than anesthesia. He offers Himself, the author and perfecter of our faith, offering hope and peace, healing and strength, forgiveness and freedom rest and restoration; that’s just to name a few.

It’s time to put the novocain away, stop the numbing and ask the Holy Spirit to come and do what only He can do; heal the hidden wounds running far beyond what eyes can see.

May God’s soothing balm wash over you as you put your trust in Him. As He works in your heart may you find freedom, joy AND peace in the precious, healing name of Jesus.

I pray this song would minister to you as you turn to Jesus in your time of need...

Jesus,

the only one who can free us

the only one who can take our broken things and make them whole

Jesus, the only one who really sees us

the only one who can take our mess and make it beautiful

Jesus

_{“Jesus “
Written by: JONATHAN TRAYLOR, MELODY NOEL, JACOB EVERGREEN
Influence Music}

Disclaimer: If you are experiencing life threatening thoughts because the pain you’re experiencing is too much to handle on your own, please seek out help and call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255

When life stands still

April 14, 2021 deyaspano

Have you ever felt stuck? Can you think back to a time when you felt like you were going nowhere fast? Kinda like the movie Groundhog day, on repeat? Do you remember how you felt in that moment or in that season? Frustrated? Anxious? Confused? Impatient? The list is endless.

Well, imagine being 15 again and overjoyed at the thought of going on a certain ride at your dream amusement park. You’ve talked about it with your friends on the way there, you’ve waited in line for umpteen hours and weed through miles of stanchions winding throughout the park, and finally it’s your turn to step aboard, get strapped in, and take off. Just moments’ into the adventure you hear a weird sound, you feel the brakes starting to slow you down and all of a sudden the ride comes to a halt. You are at a complete standstill.

If you’ve ever had the privilege of riding Space Mountain at Disneyland you know exactly what I’m talking about. (It seems like every time I’ve had the opportunity to visit that ride it’s having “issues.”) I wait patiently for my turn, and the one time I’m there it goes on the fritz. UGH!!! It’s like Murphys law is out to get me! Like whoever this Murphy is, he knows my name and number and is doing this just to me. Ok maybe not that extreme but it’s super annoying nonetheless! Am I right?

I remember that distinctly happening to me a while back. The hardest part was, on this particular ride (Space Mountain), part of the draw that appeals to the senses is the whole experience takes place in the dark. So sitting in the pitch black, not knowing when or how the issue will be fixed, and left sitting there waiting and wondering can become quite disturbing. Escape routes are not easy to come by in these scenarios.…b/c it’s dark and there’s no easy way out. So you sit and wait – at a “standstill,” hoping and praying something will happen soon, so you can finish the ride and get in line to do it again… Wink Wink…

Similarly, when life “stands still” it’s easy to question God and wonder what went wrong. Did I not pray enough? Did I miss God? How could I have avoided this? In some instances, unfortunately, things can’t be avoided because we have no control over what life dishes out to us. Scripture tells us in Matthew 5:45, “It rains on the just AND unjust,” meaning bad things happen to everyone. So none of us are exempt from the difficulties of life. In these moments it’s natural to become frustrated with a setback.

However, we must not confuse movement with progress. A lack of movement does not equate a lack of progress. Just because you’re at a “standstill” doesn’t mean you’re not going anywhere. In fact, this could be the defining moment you move from fear to faith, doubt to trust, and victim to victor.

When life stands still we can choose to see it as a gift. If we will lean in, settle down, embrace the silence, and listen for God’s voice, He will speak to us in the secret places of our hearts. Sometimes we need the dark places to block out all the distractions. We can become so overwhelmed with life we may potentially miss out on the life-giver Himself. It’s in these dark, seemingly motionless and unproductive situations that become the very setting where the work needing to be accomplished in us can be completed.

To be honest, when my life is at a standstill I want to push forward and power through, but God says, “Be still and Know that I am God.” (Pslam 46:10) So I rest, sometimes begrudgingly, in the knowledge of who He is and who I’m not. The creator of the universe, the author and perfecter of my faith and God Almighty, a role whose shoes only He can fill.

One thing we can be certain of…when life stands still, we don’t stand alone. Nor do we wait in the dark alone. He is our ever present help in time of need and will never forsake us. We can know without a shadow of a doubt He is our refuge and strength, and an ever present help in time of need! When the time is right, the lights will turn back on and He will see you through, out of the darkness, and into His glorious light, just as He’s been there all along.

How do you choose to see a season or situation as a gift when life is at a stand still?

New You

January 13, 2021January 13, 2021 deyaspano

New Year, New You…we see it everywhere this time of year. Why is it we have to re-invent ourselves at the start of each year? Have we gotten so off track the previous year we need a complete reset and have to be a “NEW YOU?” For instance, when I set a weight-loss goal and make a “detour” from the plan I’ll joke about it to my husband and say, mid-bite into my cheesecake, “I fell off the wagon again…” He’ll often respond, tongue-in-cheek, “Well, if you’re gonna fall off the wagon, you might as well have it drag you behind it!”

It’s so easy to get off track at the beginning of a fresh year because expectations are high, often unreasonably, I might add. Hopes are inflated and dreams seem within arms reach as we stargaze into the possibilities of what may come at the outset of a new year. But goals and dreams take hard work, often a lot of elbow grease, a good plan and constant determination, as obstacles are always getting in the way. As the days on the calendar pass, the will diminishes and it’s all too easy to become less aware of those audacious goals and maintain enthusiasm when the drumbeat of life marches on.

I don’t want to make excuses for not bettering myself, so hear me out, that’s not what I’m suggesting. I’ve always been a goal setter from a young age. In fact something I learned when I was a teenager has helped me to set goals for the good portion of my life. It was a quote that said, “If you aim for nothing, you’ll probably hit it.” I’m not sure who termed this phrase but my youth pastor used to say it all the time and it has stuck with me ever since.

I believe it’s important to stay teachable, be a constant learner and strive for excellence. Those are qualities I have front and center every day, not just at the start of the new year. As I think of a “New You” I have decided I will prioritize what’s really important to me. I will make priorities based on my core values and strive to maintain them throughout the year. I won’t feel overwhelmed by the thought of missing a huge goal and being stressed out about it everyday till I give up. I won’t put undue pressure on myself but will create healthy boundaries and put systems in place to help me keep those priorities. I will strive to live each day with grace, truth, love and compassion for myself, and for others because this is one tough world we live in and it doesn’t look like it’s getting easier anytime soon…

At the end of the day, and 2021, that will be enough!

What does “New You” mean for you at the start of this new year?

I pray this is an amazing year for you!

May you prioritize what’s truly important to you and see your wildest dreams come true!

Happy New Year friends!

Winning the Battle of “I’m Nots”

October 27, 2020October 27, 2020 deyaspano

Recently I woke up with a deep heaviness feeling somewhat defeated and sorry for myself. Before I could open my eyes I began rehearsing “I’m Nots.” I’m not good enough, smart enough, talented enough, pretty enough, capable enough and so on.

Have you ever been there?

I immediately knew those thoughts were lies coming straight from the pit of hell…How did I know this? Because any internal voice speaking to you in a condemning tone or misconstrues your identity is a sure telltale sign the enemy of your soul is out to steal, kill and destroy your peace and joy.

Anytime the Lord speaks to you, you will feel strengthened, encouraged, and loved. I felt no such thing in this moment. It was clear. This was not from God.

If you grew up in a family where you felt like the weakest link…welcome to my world. I had an amazing sister who has now gone on to heaven. Growing up she was so good at everything she did. She was an outstanding, award winning athlete and student. She was who’s who in academia and had a brilliant mind. She had double the GPA I did, and then some. Learning came easy to her and she loved it. I will always be so proud of all her accomplishments and who she was.

On the other hand, I was aloof, sociable, scatterbrained, and more interested in the latest fashion trends. Which is funny because then and now, I am still clearly an introvert.

As I got older this carried over into my current family. I am blessed to have a wonderfully handsome husband who is extremely talented in virtually everything he sets out to do; and who never gains weight, b-t-w (kinda annoying). I gain weight just walking through the bakery aisle at the grocery store. The man seriously never ages either; he’s literally the next Dick Clark. With each year and gray hair he becomes more handsome and distinguished than the next, and each year my root touch up appointments become more frequent. Not to mention my beautiful and talented daughters – don’t get this proud momma started! Even my extended family includes gifted writers, musicians, educators, creatives, entrepreneurs, cooks, you name it…seems like everyone is soo good at everything they set out to do and I’m just “average” at my feeble attempts. (Cue the tiny violins.)

This my friend is not the truth. This is a perceived insecurity. The belief that I’m not good enough because my gifts and talents don’t align with others. When we use a measuring stick that isn’t ours to begin with we start to compare our lack with others plenty, and unfortunately, we will never measure up to that. Comparison coupled with the lies of the enemy are a sure recipe for frustration, discouragement, and defeat. Consider this: maybe God never asked you to do the things He requires of others?

This is the battle I woke up to early that morning.

As I sat down to write in my gratitude journal, the struggle was real because the “I’m Nots” were screaming their ugly little heads off.

I took a deep breath, paused, and then began to write what I knew to be true…even though I didn’t feel like it:

I’m thankful I am fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God…

I’m thankful when I feel less than, He is more than enough…

I’m thankful God looks at my heart and doesn’t see me as man does…

I’m thankful I am accepted by God…

I’m thankful I am a Beloved daughter of the King…

I’m thankful when I’m feeling low He is the lifter of my head…

I’m thankful God loves me for who I am, ALWAYS, no matter what…

I’m thankful God is for me when others are against me…

I’m thankful God is greater than my insecurities…

I’m thankful where I see lack, He sees my value and calls me worthy….

I’m thankful He tells me I can do all things through Christ, when I feel inadequate…AND

I am grateful God has good plans for me, to give me Hope and a Future … (Jeremiah 29:11)

I believe God is not only saying this to me…but He’s saying it to you too.

Friend, God LOVES YOU! He wants to strengthen Your heart, encourage Your soul and fill Your heart to overflow with His unconditional love, grace and peace. Will you let Him?

Whenever you hear a voice telling you “I’m Not…(you fill in the blank)__________” remember who you are and be assured today there is a God in Heaven who is fighting for you… The Good new is He has already won!

Growth Opportunity: Write a list of “I ams” in Christ today. This is a sure way to Win the Battle of “I’m Nots.”

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

“Wanna Be’s”

October 16, 2020October 23, 2020 deyaspano

Looking back at the late 80’s & early 90’s, when people were trying to be something they weren’t, so they could fit in, they were often referred to as “Wanna Be’s.” They either wanted to be a skateboarder, surfer, musician, goth, punk rocker, etc…you name it. Hence, why Aquanet, Vans and acid washed jeans became so popular. Whoever it was they were trying to mimic, they were made fun of and called a “wanna be.” Maybe you were one of them. I know I was.

In reality we should all wanna be something. Having a positive role model, a godly influence or spiritual mentor in your life is part of healthy admiration. God puts desires in our hearts that guide us in fulfilling our God given purposes. It’s a beautiful gift He gives, informing us how to navigate areas of our life.

Unfortunately, today’s cultural norms, more often then not, twist what God has intended for good. Ergo the proverbial apple. God intended the Garden of Eden to be a place where man could flourish, but instead Adam & Eve rejected the truth and wanted to be something they were not. They wanted to be like God. (You can read the full story in Genesis 3).

Sadly, “Wanna Be’s” got a bad wrap for looking up to people who were doing what they wanted to be doing, but hadn’t yet. For whatever reason; maybe their age, they were too young/old, they haven’t had the right opportunity yet, or possibly lacked monetary resources…the reasons are numerous.

If imitation is the highest form of flattery shouldn’t we be endeared if someone looks up to us? What a huge compliment to have someone esteem you.

However, I have noticed, especially in my years of ministry, some people are threatened when we want to enter the same lane as them. If we want to be resilient people who aren’t thrown off by the insecurities and fears of others, we have to understand that someone who wants to enter our lane doesn’t mean they’re trying to shove us off the freeway so they can get ahead of us…with the exception of a few I’m sure. If they do get “ahead of us,” that isn’t a bad thing either. Even Jesus said,

“I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father.” John 14:12

May I suggest “wanna be’s” most likely want to ride a little closer to you, to work with you, to learn from you, and be mentored or coached by you? There’s qualities they see in you that they want too, and you can share that gift, talent, wisdom, or experience with them.

I believe we should all create more space for others on this “highway of life.” Can you envision what it would look like to help others achieve their goals and get to their destination in the most direct way possible, ultimately helping them become who God created them to be? This is how we become resilient, not by eliminating potential but by paving the way for others. Resilient people see opportunity where others see opponents.

Where are you now? Are you a “wanna be” trying to figure it out? Or is someone looking to you? Do you remember how hard your struggles were? Do you remember being that “wanna be” at one time? Or maybe you are still now?

You once needed help on the way up. You haven’t always had all these years of experience behind you. The only reason you do now is because someone believed in you and gave you the opportunity to do so. I believe it’s time we return the “favor” and instead of trying to take someone else’s crown off their head, we joyfully fix it so they can walk taller, stronger and more confident in order to tackle whatever mountain they have to climb.

Wouldn’t it be so nice if instead of wanting someone to fall, you gave them a hand and helped them up? Would you shoulder their load and point them in the right direction? Inwardly, I think there are times we want to see some people crash and burn. I’ve been guilty of that myself. If it wasn’t for the sheer grace of God in our lives, our flesh would take over and the worst would get the better of us, and we would gloat all over their mis-happenings.

Do you know how much it would mean to someone if instead of shutting the elevator door on them because there’s not enough room “at the top,” we held the door, made room for them and rode up together? The more the merrier right? Let’s be open to all the “wanna be’s” out there!

I hope to live in a way where someone wants to be like me, not because I’m fulfilling a role or have a title to my name, but for how I treat people and make people feel. I pray my character would influence others more than what I accomplish (or don’t) and whatever small contributions I make would be worth mirroring.

I “wanna be” someone who makes room for others at the table so NO ONE feels left out and is left watching from the sidelines. Whether they are more talented, educated, funny, smart, experienced, skinny or pretty, there’s a seat for everyone at the table! There’s enough room at the “top.” There’s enough opportunities to go around, and there’s so much more to gain as we journey together on the same road.

What do you “wanna be?” Who will you help along the way?

Cheering you on to greater Resilience!

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month…
Early detection saved my life…Schedule your mammogram today!

Healing the “Write” Way

October 6, 2020October 7, 2020 deyaspano

Writing is a “labor of love.” The more you write, the more you grow. The more you grow the bigger you feel – not physically, you get the point. What I mean is your heart enlarges. Your mind expands and you have more to give than you thought was possible. At least that’s how I feel when I write AND share my work.

On the other hand, writing is also “cheap therapy.” There’s something extraordinary about transcribing your thoughts, from incubation stage into words, that makes them come to life. When we let the thoughts locked up in the attic of our minds free they finally have room to explore.

Writing for me has been a helpful tool in processing pain, disappointment and trauma. During this exercise I am then able to unpack some of my deepest thoughts, revealing things in my heart I wasn’t previously aware of. With each word I write and every sentence that’s formed I feel as if a layer of my heart is being pulled back and exposed. It’s vulnerability at its core; full-exposure. In honor of Breast Cancer awareness month I thought it would be fitting to share a glimpse of what I went through several years ago in my journey with the “C” word.

In February of 2016, just a year and a half after my sister passed away from another horrible cancer, I was diagnosed with Ductal Carcinoma In Situ, aka Stage 0 Breast Cancer. It was termed stage 0 because it was a non-invasive cancer. Meaning the cancer was contained in the milk ducts and had not spread to other parts of my body. None-the-less, still a very scary experience. After having a partial lumpectomy, and some time to heal from surgery, I went through a series of daily radiation treatments. During these treatments I was completely exposed and left feeling very vulnerable and fearful.

Each time I went in for a treatment I had to bare my chest, quite literally! I jokingly told my radiologist I was going to start expecting dollar bills every time I had a treatment cause I felt like I was giving them a free show at Mardi Gras, and surely I should get something in return. Honestly, it was extremely embarrassing having these Dr.’s see me every day for six weeks straight. Often there were different physicians attending because my appointments were at one of the largest teaching hospitals in the area…lucky me!

Ringing the Bell after finally completing radiation treatments!

I’ve noticed during times of extreme discomfort like this, feeling exposed and vulnerable typically go hand in hand. You can’t really have one without the other…it’s kinda like being a “little pregnant”…just not possible. Likewise, when you start sharing your story with others it’s hard not to feel vulnerable for letting people see your “raw footage.” Let’s face it no one wants to even post a picture that hasn’t been filtered, edited, cropped or retouched. We want to put our best foot forward not the “real” version.

Yet, this “labor of love” is different for me. I love what Brené Brown says about vulnerability in her book Daring Greatly. Brown says, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.” The reason it’s different for me now is because the payoff is worth the risk vulnerability requires.

The path of vulnerability is a beautiful one. What comes forth is something that’s been growing from within. Something internal has been taking shape, developing, and is ready to burst forth and breathe fresh air. These new words awaken new life. With every push of the pen and every word typed, courage gives birth to freedom and hope is born.

You see writing gives me life, it takes my vulnerabilities and turns them into courage and empowers me to keep going. It gives me a renewed sense of victory in being able to finally express what’s been there all along. When you too begin to give voice to your thoughts, transfer them onto a fresh journal or type them onto your computer, healing beings to take place. Hope is reignited.

If you haven’t already, I pray you would begin to chronicle your story and share it with a trustworthy friend. In doing so I hope you would Rediscover Resilience in your life and experience the freedom and healing expressing your words will bring.

How does writing help you heal?

What a Difference a Year Makes

September 29, 2020September 30, 2020 deyaspano

Last Fall, about a year ago this time, in faith my husband and I sold our house and moved into temporary housing knowing God was getting ready to move us to a new season, literally! We knew we were “ready” for what was next, at least so we thought we were. What we didn’t know was where that next would be. At that point we had already eliminated everywhere we didn’t want to go… how nice of us to let God know our preferences right? Let me back up a bit first…at the end of August 2016 we had resigned from a church we were on staff at for several years. During that summer we tried to sell our home but to no avail. So fast forward to the next few years where we were still waiting and praying, and praying and waiting on God to give us clear direction on our “next assignment.” Unknowingly, that process of waiting on God lasted over three very long and excruciatingly painful years.

We had no idea then our actual wait would be so long or so painful. But God had a reason for what seemed to be a relentless delay. There was something He needed to do in our hearts and lives before we were ready to move on to the “next place“, if you will.

Matthew Nelson, in his book, The Beauty of the In-Between wrote, “It’s usually in those despised seasons of obscurity that the most inward transformation takes place. It’s the place where trust is formulated, character is refined, perseverance is tested, and motives are evaluated. When we become addicted to the destination, we usually end up despising the process.” Ouch!

As we packed up our house, putting the majority of our stuff into storage, and moved into temporary housing I couldn’t help but wonder if God would really come through for us. We had been through so much the past several years and it didn’t seem like things were getting better anytime soon. (I tend to take after Thomas sometimes, the doubting disciple.) To be honest I had been disappointed several times before so how was I to be sure this time was going to be different?

Then the Holy Spirit reminded me something a dear friend of mine said to me a while back when she and her husband went through a similar situation. She said never forget “God sees you, God hears you and God will answer you.” I replayed those words in my mind every time I felt alone and discouraged. (*Thank you Kim Reeves for being such an ecouraging friend and kindred spirit)

Just as my sweet friend encouraged me with these very words maybe you can repeat those words to yourself too for encouragement! Such a simple but powerful reminder of God’s promises to us in our time of need.

Say this out loud: God thank you for seeing me, hearing me AND answering me. You are with me AND You ARE working all things together for good because You love me and I am Your child! and no one who puts their trust in you will ever be put to shame!!!

"So Hagar gave this name to the LORD who had spoken to her: 
You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “Here I have seen the One who sees me!”
Genesis 16:13

"Even before they call, I will answer;
while they are still speaking, I will hear." 
Isaiah 65:24

About a month after moving I received an email from a church website I subscribed to for job postings announcing an opening for a staff position at a church in the Pacific Northwest. Without hesitation we submitted our application. Surprisingly, within a couple days we received an email inquiring more information about us. Ultimately we went through a lengthy vetting process and by December we were flown out for an onsite visit where we were offered the position at our new church! Since the Lord already set us up for a quick transition we were ready to get moving! After celebrating the holidays, we emptied our storage unit, packed up the moving van and headed out for our nearly 4 day cross country adventure.

Just accepted the postion at our new church! All Smiles! 🙂

In hindsight, little did I know last September I would be writing about this new season of ministry from my new (to me) home, in my new city, and in my new church. When I look back on this past year I marvel at the goodness of God and His timing in bringing us here. There were so many moments when I wasn’t sure if we would ever be back in ministry again; especially after taking a few years off to take care of ourselves emotionally, mentally and spiritually during this extended sabbatical (more about that story later!) We know our calling is to serve in Full Time Ministry and it has been that very calling that’s kept us committed for the long haul, even when things looked so hopeless.

So whatever it is you are waiting on/for… Keep Moving forward. God has a plan for your life and IT IS Good. If you are in a season of waiting that feels like it’s going nowhere fast – don’t look back and don’t give up! If it feels like God is quiet, take heart, just because He’s silent – doesn’t mean He is still! Help is on the way and as you are waiting on God, He is working behind the scenes to set things up for your good and His glory!

Just as my friend encouraged me with these simple words, I pray that you will always remember: “God sees you, God hears you and God will answer you my friend!”

Recommended Reading:

Stepping Out

August 17, 2020September 1, 2020 deyaspano

First steps are the hardest. Stepping out is uncomfortable and vulnerable. Especially if you’re not given to vulnerability and letting your guard down like me. I’ve been thinking about doing something very scary, publishing this blog, for a while but it’s always so hard for me to take the first step. Why? Because of fear… fear I’m not going to do it right, fear I won’t be able to convey my message and communicate clearly what I’m trying to say, fear the spirit of the message will be misinterpreted. Fearing no one will even like it and reinforce feelings of inadequacy.

I liken it to a feeling of being caught with my proverbial pants down. For example, have you ever taken your kids to a public bathroom because you just couldn’t hold it a minute longer? You hope for one millisecond your child will behave so you won’t make a spectacle of yourself with your new spontaneous dance moves. Not a lot to ask for right? Only to have the sheer horror of them, in all their childhish giddiness, open the door on you in a crowded restroom where you are on display for all to see? Yeah, me either. That’s how I would describe the feeling of stepping out into unfamiliar territory and doing something I’m not good at or have no experience in. I feel exposed, like a fraud, found out, like I’m pretending to be someone I’m not. Like a little girl who puts on her mom’s high heels and pretends to be a grown woman.

It feels daunting and insurmountable because so many other people are doing it and have been doing it longer than you, and better than you for that matter. Ironically when we compare ourselves to others we are usually using their highlight reels as a measuring stick. We see the best parts of their lives and then compare their highs with our lows. Yet, those highlight reels are not the “whole” picture. We don’t see the years of behind the scenes efforts, discipline, sweat equity, frustration and tears they have cried and shed because they felt the same way, insufficient and scared!

The reality is, in a lot of ways we are all the same. We all share similar vulnerabilities and fears. We just present them in different packages. My hot mess looks a little different from yours but we’re all the same. The only real difference between us is our address. Some of us are just a little bit better at convincing others they’re better at it than they really are. And that’s ok, because it’s this very struggle for acceptance and belonging that’s the common denominator binding us all. And you know what? We’re all fellow strugglers. We want to do something great and make a valuable contribution to society in the process. We want to become someone we always hoped we would be and leave this world a better place.

As scary as it may be, at some point we have to take a courageous first step if we are to realize any dream, vision or goal. Pressing through feelings of inadequacy, Theodore Roosevelt’s statement in the “Man in the Arena,” rings louder and truer in my mind. He says “The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena…”

It’s not the critic who counts…
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

So for now I will feel the fear and do it anyways, entering the arena with a lump in my throat and engaging, albeit simultaneously feeling the vulnerability of risk. You never know…the beauty of first steps is they often lead to unforeseen destinations and possibly to places you never even dreamed of before.

Welcome to my blog!

Escape Rooms

August 15, 2020September 29, 2020 deyaspano

Photo by Aphiwat chuangchoem on Pexels.com

My teenagers have been fascinated with these increasingly popular Escape Rooms. Admittedly, they intrigue me. I like the thought of solving cases and putting puzzles together, after all that’s why I’ve watched every episode of Monk. What I don’t like is having to find these clues and solve those mysteries in the dark!

About a year ago our family decided to do one of these escape rooms, and yes it really was a lot of fun. I’d highly recommend it for a memorable family bonding adventure. You’ll learn more about each other, who has to be in control, who can’t handle the stress, and to what lengths each of you will go to solve the clues.

The gratifying part of this experience is each time you unlock a clue, it leads to another clue, then another, and another, and well…you get the point, till you finally make your way out of a thematic “room” of your choosing. Likewise, over the past several years I’ve been on a journey of unlocking different clues in my life. A sort of quest for self-discovery and healing from unprocessed emotional wounds. From the little “t” trauma, when I burned my arm with a pot of boiling water at age 4, to the Big “T” trauma of losing my sister to a very rare and aggressive cancer as an adult. I don’t think many of us escape, (no pun intended), this life without some experience that forever reconfigures the landscape of our hearts, leaving us scarred with little and big “T’s” in our life. A common thread of suffering and pain that none of us are exempt from is the part of humanity we all get to share.

When I hit 40, maybe a little bit before, I became a voracious reader; which is pretty hilarious considering I hated reading as a teenager and even young adult. I could barely remember what I read from one page to the next so I would easily get frustrated and give up prematurely. However, when I entered this new “age bracket,” I became intentional about my personal growth and my craving was insatiable. With each book I read, with each podcast I listened to, every sermon I watched, every challenging conversation with a friend, or difficult counseling appointment I had, I felt like I was unlocking one clue after another. It was a freeing domino effect of one “ah-ha” moment after another. I’m so grateful for this awareness because I’ve learned more about myself than I thought possible. For example, I’ve discovered what my attachment style is, why I act the way I do (well to some degree at least), what enneagram number I am, what makes me resilient and how unprocessed emotions really do affect me physically and how I’ve struggled with Alexythimia (the inability to recognize or describe feelings) my whole life because of my upbringing.

During difficult seasons when I wanted God to shine a blaring spotlight on my path so I could see what was going to happen next, He ususally gave me just enough light for the step I was on. Often He didn’t give me a whole lot more than what was in front of me. I belive that was deliberate. I mean could you imagine if He gave us, upfront, ALL the keys to the escape room so we could open up every lock at once? That would kind of be anti-climactic, don’t you think? Like reading the last page of a novel before the first. Not to say I haven’t done that either…

As long as we stay curious of what’s next, always wanting to uncover the next hidden truth and chase after fresh revelation God has for us in each season, we will get to the hidden treasure if we don’t loose heart and give up. The good news is we’re not being “punked” and God doesn’t toy with our emotions, that’s not who He is. Wisdom is calling out to all of us, and there is a definite treasure to be found if we respond.

My friend I encourage you to search for your hidden treasure. You will not be disappointed. Even in the darkest of times You may not get the blaring spotlight but God will give you just enough light for the step you’re on and you will never be alone. Surprisingly, you may even find some hidden gems along the way. Now go unlock some clues!

Proverbs 2:2-11 (NLT)

“Tune your ears to wisdom, and concentrate on understanding. Cry out for insight, and ask for understanding. Search for them as you would for silver; seek them like hidden treasures. Then you will understand what it means to fear the LORD, and you will gain knowledge of God.

For the LORD grants wisdom! From his mouth come knowledge and understanding. He grants a treasure of common sense to the honest. He is a shield to those who walk with integrity. He guards the paths of the just and protects those who are faithful to him.

Then you will understand what is right, just, and fair, and you will find the right way to go. For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will fill you with joy. Wise choices will watch over you. Understanding will keep you safe.”

Transitioning During a Pandemic

August 6, 2020September 24, 2020 deyaspano

As if moving your whole life across the country isn’t challenging enough…let’s add a Global Pandemic on top of that!

Little did I know at the beginning of 2020, when we packed up our van and truck, venturing halfway across the country, we would be facing, like the rest of the world, a full blown pandemic. Worn down from the dry, lackluster landscape, and heat of Central Texas I was more than ready for new scenery and really looking forward to exploring the new area.

*Side note: (Washington is one of the most beautiful states I’ve lived in – coming from a girl who grew up minutes from the California coastline and enjoyed a few years in the grandeur of the Rocky Mountains.) Everything is so green and lush here. Tree lines silhouette the landscape for miles, rivers and lakes abound at every turn, gentle breezes blow and panoramic views of the Pacific Ocean take your breath away. Not to mention the local mom and pops coffee joints & coffee stands all along the way.

Honestly, this couldn’t be a better place to live. I’ve come to discover locals like the stigma this area gets because it keeps people from moving here. (Well played Washingtonians – well played!) Now don’t get me wrong, it may rain quite a bit during the winter/spring seasons, however, not nearly as much as people have made it out to be. Yet, what comes from the rain is absolutely stunning.

Let’s get back to transitioning during a Pandemic. Usually when I move to a new place I drive around quite a bit to familiarize myself with the area. The night we moved into our new house it had just snowed and we woke up to a layer of fresh powder. When I went downstairs to let my little dog Sadie out I slipped on the back porch step and twisted my ankle. So day 2 into our transition I found myself lying on the sofa with a swollen, sprained ankle, in the midst of boxes everywhere. Not how I’d expected this “Fresh Start” to begin.

But I didn’t let that bother me. I figured this was God’s way of letting me get more rest from the exhausting move and also gave me an excuse to subscribe to the Hallmark Channel while I “rested.” (BTW, to be clear, I don’t believe God did this to me….God isn’t mean, its just part of living in the real world and dumb things happen to everyone).

Normally, there’s not a whole lot that can keep me down, I’m a pretty resilient person (according to my counselor), … until….wait for it….a G-L-O-B-A-L Pandemic hits and everything shuts down! Ugh! Really? NOT how I wanted to start 2020. After all I put a “The Best is Yet to Come” graphic on my Facebook banner. Doesn’t that mean anything?

In the process of my season of “forced” rest I’ve been able to quiet my heart enough to allow the Lord to teach me a few things. I wish I could say I’ve mastered these lessons but here’s a little bit of what I’ve gathered as a result of making major life transitions during this crazy season:

God is in control, I am not and I can still trust Him. None of this took God by surprise. Even when our world gets turned upside down the constants in life are God’s unchanging goodness, grace and love. I can count on Him to be a steady refuge for me in any time of trouble. He is my anchor and when things are out of control – He is not. He remains faithful when I am faithless (which is more times than I’d like to admit) and He does not change no matter the circumstances. Therefore He IS trustworthy and I can put my life in His hands, knowing He works all things together for my good…even a global pandemic.

"Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the
Almighty. This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge,
my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him."
Psalm 91:1-2 (NLT)

2. I need to Use the “F” Word --> “Flexibility." No matter how much I plan and prepare sometimes things won't go the way I anticipate. I have to be prepared for the unexpected and be willing to adapt. When I was working on my music degree each semester I had to perform a piano recital. One piece of advice my piano instructor gave me was to anticipate mistakes, which seemed counterintuitive at the time. How do you prepare for mistakes? Don’t they just happen? I remember him telling me, it’s ok to mess up, the key (no pun intended) is to find your trouble spots and figure out what you need to do to quickly recover from them - You have to adapt. That was such great advice for me. Inevitably there was always a spot or two that would trip me up during recitals because my nerves were so shot. I do not like performing (and still don't) and being centerstage with the spotlight solely on me was one of my least favorite things about recitals, all eyes on me and no where to hide - completely exposed. Every could see and hear everyone of my flaws and imperfections and on top of that I was being judged and critiqued by my professors. Let’s just say I’m extremely grateful that season is over!

"I can do all things through him who strengthens me." 
Philippians 4:13 (ESV)

Purpose to look for the good. There is beauty in every season if I look for it. I firmly believe you will find what you’re looking for. If you look for the good in everything you’re sure to find it. Conversely, if you look for the bad, you will also find plenty of it too, probably more so too because often bitter hearts are on the lookout for another reason to complain about something. Being intentional about looking for the good takes effort but the payoff is worth it. Would you rather go through life seeing what’s wrong with everything and everyone or what’s right?

"Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious — the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who
makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies."
Philippians 4:8 (MSG)

Gratitude is a choice. Understandably, it’s easy to get upset when things don’t go as planned. Irritation and frustration are natural responses to disappointment. However, If I choose to make my disappointments a permanent pit stop I’m only poisoning my own attitude. Brene’ Brown, author and shame research professor at The University of Houston, often says those who have the capacity to lean fully into joy have one common denominator: They practice gratitude. A practice that has helped me to cultivate a thankful heart is maintaining a gratitude journal. This came about during quarantine when it was often a challenge to find things to be thankful for. Yet, it was surprising to see how much I could be thankful for when I took the time to sit down and start transcribing it.

“Do everything without complaining and arguing, so that no one can criticize you. Live clean, innocent lives as children of God, shining like bright lights 
in a world full of crooked and perverse people.” 
Philippians 2:14-15 (NLT)

This too shall pass. Every season is temporary and won’t last forever, even though it may feel eternal at times. That’s what a season is, a temporary period of time. If I can keep perspective on what really matters most I’ll be less likely to miss out on what’s right in front of me so I won’t be so preoccupied with the enormity of the situation. Remembering this is not how things are going to be for forever frees me up to keep my priorities straight and helps me breath easier, freeing me of anxiety. I can rest assured no matter how long or unknown this season is IT WILL PASS! Praise the Lord!

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven." 
 Ecclessiastes 3:1 (ESV)

Believe the Best is Yet to Come. Easier said than done. Right?! Trust me, I’m very much a realist and am prone to being more pragmatic than idealistic, so this is a challenge for me. Remember I anticipate mistakes. However, knowing that, I also know I can anticipate how to respond to them. Fleshing it out is the hard part, admittedly not something I’ve mastered yet. At the end of the day I would rather say I believed and was disappointed than kept my heart closed to the goodness of God and trusted in His greater purposes.

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. 
They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."
Jeremiah 29:11 (NLT)

Even though this year looks a lot different than I pictured it would I’m so grateful I could go through it with the people I love most and we were all together. I’m grateful for all I’ve learned. I’m grateful for the shelter He’s provided for me. I’m grateful for His provision, His promises, His presence and His peace that’s kept me from unraveling altogether. I’m grateful for the rest and a beautiful place to live. I’m grateful He took my disappointments and turned them into blessings.

The glass IS half full friends. 2020 has been a hot mess for sure but we have so much to be grateful for and I can’t wait to see what God is going to do next. I’m grateful this too shall, inevitably pass at some point! (The good news is 2020 is almost over! Hallelujah!!! ). I believe God is moving in a powerful way and He has great things in store for everyone who puts Him first. As we look to the Lord, as we remember He is still in Control, trusting this season won’t last forever, choosing gratitude and a flexible attitude, may we open our eyes to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living and continue to believe the Best is YET to come!

"Yet, I am confident I will see the LORD’s goodness 
while I am here in the land of the living." 
Psalm 27:13 (NLT)