Tag: Vulnerability

Healing the “Write” Way

deyaspano

Writing is a “labor of love.” The more you write, the more you grow. The more you grow the bigger you feel – not physically, you get the point. What I mean is your heart enlarges. Your mind expands and you have more to give than you thought was possible. At least that’s how I feel when I write AND share my work. 

On the other hand, writing is also “cheap therapy.” There’s something extraordinary about transcribing your thoughts, from incubation stage into words, that makes them come to life. When we let the thoughts locked up in the attic of our minds free they finally have room to explore. 

Writing for me has been a helpful tool in processing pain, disappointment and trauma. During this exercise I am then able to unpack some of my deepest thoughts, revealing things in my heart I wasn’t previously aware of. With each word I write and every sentence that’s formed I feel as if a layer of my heart is being pulled back and exposed. It’s vulnerability at its core; full-exposure. In honor of Breast Cancer awareness month I thought it would be fitting to share a glimpse of what I went through several years ago in my journey with the “C” word.

In February of 2016, just a year and a half after my sister passed away from another horrible cancer, I was diagnosed with Ductal Carcinoma In Situ, aka Stage 0 Breast Cancer. It was termed stage 0 because it was a non-invasive cancer. Meaning the cancer was contained in the milk ducts and had not spread to other parts of my body. None-the-less, still a very scary experience. After having a partial lumpectomy, and some time to heal from surgery, I went through a series of daily radiation treatments. During these treatments I was completely exposed and left feeling very vulnerable and fearful. 

Each time I went in for a treatment I had to bare my chest, quite literally! I jokingly told my radiologist I was going to start expecting dollar bills every time I had a treatment cause I felt like I was giving them a free show at Mardi Gras, and surely I should get something in return. Honestly, it was extremely embarrassing having these Dr.’s see me every day for six weeks straight. Often there were different physicians attending because my appointments were at one of the largest teaching hospitals in the area…lucky me!

Ringing the Bell after finally completing radiation treatments!

I’ve noticed during times of extreme discomfort like this, feeling exposed and vulnerable typically go hand in hand. You can’t really have one without the other…it’s kinda like being a “little pregnant”…just not possible. Likewise, when you start sharing your story with others it’s hard not to feel vulnerable for letting people see your “raw footage.” Let’s face it no one wants to even post a picture that hasn’t been filtered, edited, cropped or retouched. We want to put our best foot forward not the “real” version. 

Yet, this “labor of love” is different for me. I love what Brené Brown says about vulnerability in her book Daring Greatly. Brown says, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.” The reason it’s different for me now is because the payoff is worth the risk vulnerability requires.

The path of vulnerability is a beautiful one. What comes forth is something that’s been growing from within. Something internal has been taking shape, developing, and is ready to burst forth and breathe fresh air. These new words awaken new life. With every push of the pen and every word typed, courage gives birth to freedom and hope is born. 

You see writing gives me life, it takes my vulnerabilities and turns them into courage and empowers me to keep going.  It gives me a renewed sense of victory in being able to finally express what’s been there all along. When you too begin to give voice to your thoughts, transfer them onto a fresh journal or type them onto your computer, healing beings to take place.  Hope is reignited.

If you haven’t already, I pray you would begin to chronicle your story and share it with a trustworthy friend. In doing so I hope you would Rediscover Resilience in your life and experience the freedom and healing expressing your words will bring. 

How does writing help you heal?

Early Detection Saved my life!

Stepping Out

deyaspano
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

First steps are the hardest. Stepping out is uncomfortable and vulnerable. Especially if you’re not given to vulnerability and letting your guard down like me. I’ve been thinking about doing something very scary, publishing this blog, for a while but it’s always so hard for me to take the first step. Why? Because of fear… fear I’m not going to do it right, fear I won’t be able to convey my message and communicate clearly what I’m trying to say, fear the spirit of the message will be misinterpreted. Fearing no one will even like it and reinforce feelings of inadequacy.

I liken it to a feeling of being caught with my proverbial pants down. For example, have you ever taken your kids to a public bathroom because you just couldn’t hold it a minute longer? You hope for one millisecond your child will behave so you won’t make a spectacle of yourself with your new spontaneous dance moves. Not a lot to ask for right? Only to have the sheer horror of them, in all their childhish giddiness, open the door on you in a crowded restroom where you are on display for all to see? Yeah, me either. That’s how I would describe the feeling of stepping out into unfamiliar territory and doing something I’m not good at or have no experience in. I feel exposed, like a fraud, found out, like I’m pretending to be someone I’m not. Like a little girl who puts on her mom’s high heels and pretends to be a grown woman. 

It feels daunting and insurmountable because so many other people are doing it and have been doing it longer than you, and better than you for that matter. Ironically when we compare ourselves to others we are usually using their highlight reels as a measuring stick. We see the best parts of their lives and then compare their highs with our lows. Yet, those highlight reels are not the “whole” picture. We don’t see the years of behind the scenes efforts, discipline, sweat equity, frustration and tears they have cried and shed because they felt the same way, insufficient and scared!

The reality is, in a lot of ways we are all the same. We all share similar vulnerabilities and fears. We just present them in different packages. My hot mess looks a little different from yours but we’re all the same. The only real difference between us is our address. Some of us are just a little bit better at convincing others they’re better at it than they really are. And that’s ok, because it’s this very struggle for acceptance and belonging that’s the common denominator binding us all. And you know what? We’re all fellow strugglers. We want to do something great and make a valuable contribution to society in the process. We want to become someone we always hoped we would be and leave this world a better place.  

As scary as it may be, at some point we have to take a courageous first step if we are to realize any dream, vision or goal. Pressing through feelings of inadequacy, Theodore Roosevelt’s statement in the “Man in the Arena,” rings louder and truer in my mind. He says “The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena…” 

It’s not the critic who counts…

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

So for now I will feel the fear and do it anyways, entering the arena with a lump in my throat and engaging, albeit simultaneously feeling the vulnerability of risk. You never know…the beauty of first steps is they often lead to unforeseen destinations and possibly to places you never even dreamed of before.

Welcome to my blog!